WHATEVER APPARENTLY

it sux so bad. to know that shell nvr believe me. to know that shell think i just used her and that i dun give a damn. when its the complete, COMPLETE, opposite! i cant be with u cuz i give a damn. u talk marriage three kids house. i talk bout how i need to live my life, know whats it like to be a man and handle my life, carve my life and path. its luck or bad luck that u r older and uve seen more and been through more. but i want to do the same. i wanna grow and learn and make mistakes and make bad choices. i know im makin a wonderful soul hate me, and i know its wrong. but god damn i will not accept bein made to look like im doin it cuz i dun care. cuz i have to live knowin i cant see the secret smile, the bambi eyes. WHATEVER MY FUCKIN FOOT.

PASSIN CLOUDS

well the goddess is here. i met her on fri night. actually i met her on thurs when we went to see rush hour 3. was so nice to see her. but i felt like i was connin her. i mean i dunno y. we spent the night at ecp on fri. had the tent and all. she was at dans bday bbq and she met me all smashed. haiyooo. and morn the rain made sure that i ended up goin to wk late. i waited for a cab, for 1 1/2 hrs. yes i didnt type wrongly. my boss wasnt wkin and hot ass said shed cover. but son of a bitch smeely boy smsed him and told. cuz hee was late and he wanted to cover his ass. damn the week is just fucked. i really couldnt take it when he played me out. and last night i messed up closin. and once again smelly boy was bein such a bastard. i mean i wasnt born to do all this. i tell u one day im just gonna sock him.

and keepin up wif a fucked week, the ex called. and we talked. and we talk for a bit. i mean i dunno whats goin on wif me right now. i really adore the goddess. but i realised that right now i am so messed that i dun care bout love dun feel love is real at all. its like im happy bein the way i am right now. its like ive been so empty inside for so long that ive gotten used to it and now feelin things actually feels weird and wrong. and the goddess is gonna fuck me up cuz i cant tell things like this to her. but she doesnt understand that i bloody hell dun tell anyone what i feel. cuz i myself dunno and im scared to bloody know. i wish i could uproot and start somewhere else. and now the goddess says shes stayin. i need the space the apart. she said, well like how u were a passin cloud for me last yr, ill be your passin cloud this yr. and i felt so horrible i couldnt say anythin.

i feel so angry wif wk, wif cock suckin cunt of a whore smelly boy, wif how im treatin goddess, the ex, everythin. but i got no choice but to buck up and strive on. cuz in the end i owe it ot myself to make things wk out. so i guess ill just have to focus on what i need to do for myslef for now. till im swept off my feet. whenever, if ever, that happens.


p.s. niggersam is really gettin on my nerves. fuckerrman. homie bastard. somethins up i can feel it. god damn spidey sense tinglin

WELL WELL

well its been what 9 days since i blogged? and whats happened all this time? hmm, i dunno actually. most of that time was spent recoverin and sleepin. but damn i drank alot too. damn it thats so not good. its not that i dun like drinkin, but it gives ppl a belly. and i cannot cannot CANNOT live wif a belly. so now im all pissed and what not.got to know a few new ppl this week as well and it was fun i guess. but its sad to know that well ppl can be very two faced so to speak. i mean like if u wanna be one way in private and totally another way in public its not my cup of tea. i do not appreciate ppl who act so high or act like sayin a hello is too not for them or somethin. screw that. u shit the same way i do and the same as the world. so i dun see a pt in actin all high class or somethin.

niggersam and stoner got to know what each other felt.. no thanx to a drunken aunty! hahahaha.. nnow she is someone i hope doesnt know what im thinkin! hahaha.. but its gd to hear that things r gettin ok i guess. oh oh, aj is HOT!!! hahahahaahaha, mel u arse go get some la ah! dun waste time can..

the goddess is back and we can only meet for one day.. one bloody day! i tell u i just dun gettit la. well we're meetin for brunch and a movie. we gonna talk and all. should be fun i hope. and sharon, u should reallllly not talk bout others when uve got ur own shit to handle. just because u decide not to look at your own problems doesnt mean others have to accpet ya oprah winfrey words of wisdom. pls dun be a hypocrite.

hmm, somethins up wif me

spent the whole freakin day at the hospital.. yes the whole day. apparently my low bp is causin doctors and what not alot of concern. haiz, i really dunno whats up wif my heart. i thought emotionally my heart was fucked, now it looks like physically it could be fucked as well. go figure. yest was raj's bday. god damn the drinks drinks drinks. niggersam was totally actin in a manner that i didnt quite get la. but then again if thats what makes him happy i dun care ya know. hes not a kid.

i just hope i get better, so i can go earn my damn money. da goddess is comin down nxt wk, oh god am i actually excited!? well god damn it i think i am. and i think i lost all form of mojo aready. daddy lost his groove ppl. this is so not right. i need to get the mojo back. if not i hope my heart really busts up, cuz no mojo no pt livin

really goin full swing in doin my tatts. got such a complex design that its gonna take a while and alot of dough.. hahaha what else is new. but ill do it all, no matter what ill finish em. im hungry and damn theres nothin to eat.

Y IS THE WORLD LIKE THIS

ya know, i dun get y when bad things happen its happens like in a whole bundle. 1st of all, i went to suntec to help durga n naga get a bdat gift for durga's sister. and when i went there i was talkin to my frens who joined sme time as me. and i found out, to my freakin horror, that in the morning briefin that i was apparently given a warnin at my wk place. and this is absurd. i did not get such a thing, and the fact that i was mentioned personally so that ppl know its me is just wrong. how can it be that what happens in my wk place can travel within a night? its totally absurd. someone fucked up and i wanna know who asap. my hand wants to bitch slap someone.

ive got a bloody stomach upset goin on. i didnt go wk today, went to the doc. i was told the doc would be in after lunch. so i went back after lunch time. after waitin for half an hour, the lady at the counter told me that the doc was off today so hed be in only at night. y the hell didnt they put up a sign or somethin?! have doctors lost their minds!? what r thinkin, that ppl can stay ok till they arrive and then they will continue bein sick!? fuck all of em.

well i guess life does suck and it does suck bad. i read the goddess' blog and there was one blooooody long one bout our so called arguement. she didnt sound too pleased. and the thing is, i wasnt even bein serious, i was doin my usual talkin cock session. damn the problems of not bein able to show emotions or tones over sms. but hey, life goes on. i hope n pray that things get better.

IM BACK

well my com crashed.. it died.. just died.. hence the so called absense.. talked to my mum and told her its time to change the com. she immediately said it all my fault. like huh? what the flyin fuck!? i was the one always fixin the damn thing whenever it died on us.. i couldnt take it and i told her off. cuz i found out the reason the com was so fucked was cuz the old mans email had shitloads of viruses. damn these ppl.. its like i get tossed wif every shit thing that goes wrong in this house cuz im the only one around to handle these 2. jr decided to get his ass outta here some time ago and it doesnt look like he's got any interest in comin back. i tell you, when i just pack my stuff and disappear one day then these ppl will know. even if they dun seem to be affected, i dun give a flyin fuck anymore. i dunno how i can be so nice on the outside and all, yet inside i know im outta here asap. guess life fucked me and i fucked life.

past few days of wk have been pretty ok.. same o same o.. we went to newton circus yest to eat our hearts out. and i did my very best to fulfill that. damn the food was awesome. helped take my mind off the fact that singaporeans can be so fucked its unbelievable. i served this one chick for like fuckin 30 mins plus. she and her fuckin micros and her cheebye face. tryin on tons of stuff etc. and when she finally decided on what she wanted, she asked if we could give discount. when i told we couldnt at this outlet she just left. left! she took her fucked face fucked frens fucked life and just left. that i can forgive. but to not say a word, a flyin fuck word, of sorry or thanks!? i mean, ppl can be such arsewipes its unbelievable!

my ex viewed me on frendster. hmm ok. i didnt realise it was her, till i clicked the pic. she looked, weird haggard. she didnt look anythin like the gurl that i thought was my everythin. guess maybe ive got different eyes now. eyes that cried and washed all the shit away. i didnt feel the hold that i had b4. rather i felt the irritation. irritation that the pain and breakin down of everythin in me has made me so, hard inside. well im different from then so its all good i guess. and i told the goddess that i clicked and saw her, she viewed me etc. she wasnt happy. and its my fault cuz apparently i clicked. i shouldnt have clicked. haiz, im not bothered to explain or what not la ah. the fact that i even told when i could be a guy and not tell is sayin more than enough.

well i hope things get better in general life wise.. cant wait for phuket, gettin my tatts done, eat eat eat. feelin kinda down dunno y.

p.s. i read jan's blog. bout how sri met and talked to me for jans sake. i really appreciate that. i mean she really didnt have a need to do so but for the fact that jan wanted her to. so yeah its appreciated. on the other hand, i still believe that ppl should know me or give me a chance cuz they want to. not cuz anyone else matters. guess thats y im the guy ppl will always be wary of. jans really wonderful. but when i read it, the one thing that hit me, was that i dun have the persona that makes ppl trust or think that 'hey heres a guy worth knowin or givin a chance'. fair nuff, cuz singapores full of closet whores.

smelly boy?

past couple days of work have been same o same o. hmmmm, lame ass has really bad rep wif his ex wk mates. his ex boss called him smelly boy! like wtf la, what sad nickname to give someone. id rather someone called me ugly, but not smelly. and i think when he said smelly boy, he meant it as more like he plays smelly, ya know that kind of thing la.. hmmmmm.. guess my suspicions were right after all.. gotta be on my toes then. but thats life. who the fuck can u trust!? even ya own fuckin mind screws ya up. in fact, u screw yaself up the most!

hot ass asked me yest if she could ask me somethin. i told her she could ask me anythin, thats how i talk. she asked me y indians cant find jobs, esp in service industry. and it struck me as a really gd qn. service industry needs confident ppl who can talk. and indians do that bloody well. so y dun they get the chance? or why are they not takin the chance? i realised its cuz ah, bloody ppl dun seem comfy bein served by a dark skinned person. i mean i wked in the airport for 6 mths and i served like all races. and they not only were fine, they even liked me. except singaporeans. i dun get it. ya owm ppl dun seem to feel comfortable or safe around u. wtf! what bein chocolaty is a problem. when u need a wake me up, black coffee is the thing. need some feel good, chocolates the thing. wake up ppl! everythin gd and hot is darker! but noooo, ppl seem to be scareeeed of the asia-negros.. bloody fucked world. some ppl have a phobia for good lookin ppl. take it easy ok. its not ur fault. god has a sense of humour.

and the other thing is, most indians luv their face and face value soooo much that they think its a shy shy thing to do by bein a retailer etc. money is money ppl. grow up. unless u tell me u wipe ya arse wif fifties and u shit hundreds. in that case, u got issues dude. it seems there was a previous indian guy wkin there. and he got sacked. y? cuz he stole money. former steward summore. y fuck everythin up man! its like u dun think. u just dun think. thank u and fuck u.

hot ass also said that for an indian im good lookin. and that if i was fairer i would be wow. its a compliment, but i feel one kind. 1st of all, miss rai miss sen and miss chopra have proven that indians are woah. john abraham like duhhhhh... and well, bein dark and gd lookin is sooo much better than bein fair and good lookin. cuz it means that in spite of my features bein not as visible, im still hot. so right i really dun give a fuck. hot is an opinion. but thank u hot ass :)

well well well

just came back.. hmm the exam was pretty ok actually.. still fucked, but not anal kinda fucked. so i think ill survive somehow. but i sure as hell gotta buck up.

and today i and diggy were the only full timers wkin till i left for class. oh diggy is the store supervisor. hes new as well, just joined like me. so hes new in terms of 3stripes i guess. and oh yeah hes gay. hahaha. whats wif me and gay guys? i just dun get it i swear. ok hes nice and all, but somehow i get a sense that hes a little nicer to me. normal talkin and all is one thing, but ah, when he sends emails to the store team instead of titlin it as team he puts it as shant and the rest of the team. now thats weird. oh, oh, so far im like the top retailer for the store. and im actually worried bout that. i knew id be the top cuz well, i know myself and talkin cock and charmin, or rather scammin, ppl is what i do just by breathin. but when there are full timers whove been wkin yrs who r laggin behind me theres def gonna be trouble. i see it happenin aready. theres this guy whos my wkmate and he lives near me. hes really a gd wkmate and a fren at the moment, teachin me the cashier stuff and order forms etc. but ive not seen him sell that much stuff. he sells, but to my knowledge nowhere near the amt stated. i found that strange. but i cant say for certain cuz i got better things to do than stare up his ass and see what hes doin. i guess ill trust him cuz he really is good to me as a fren and collegue. but one thing. ok there was this customer i served that wanted a top that wasnt in yet. i suggested that he leave his contact and that when the stock came id contact him and stuff. so my fren recorded the stuff into the conatct book cuz i was servin another customer, later when i went to look at the book under the name of staff to contact i saw his name. i was like cheeeebyeeeee! he seemed a little tense when he saw me lookin at the book. whatever la, im still under my probation period and i dun wanna have trouble. besides like i said, he really seems like a nice dude. maybe thats how he survives. in the end we all are there to earn the moolah not like hump in the storeroom, although that would a bonus. damn diggy must be havin a hardon right bout now. :)

but i really shouldnt talk. ok background info. today i was supopsed to be on off. but my fren lame ass had to go ipoh to visit relatives. hot ass had to go for exam so shed be in late. so diggy asked me if i could come in today. i said ok. i mean do i look stupid to say nooooo i want to stay at home and fuck all u guys up, yes thats my freakin orgasm baby?! its all long term politics ppl. so anyways i went to wk. and there was 1 part timer also. so what happened was i went on my break. my breaks are 1/2 hour instead of 1h cuz wed n fri i leave at six for school. bleargh. and in that fuckin 1/2 hour, some china dude came and bought 2 pairs of top basketball shoes, costin bout 300 bucks each. guess he uses fifties to wipe his ass!! for full timers our commission is only from footwear sales. so i was like fuck my luck! butttttttt, when i went to check the commission report thingy, i saw that one shoe was put under the part-timers name and one under mine!

so this proves that im a fuckin slut. and that diggy must reallllly dig me!! yes ahhhhhhhh!!!

damnnnnnnnnnnn

well another day has gone by.. went to wk early, now thats amazin in itself! and well i had a gd day i guess, sold quite a bit so yeah my boss was happy.. and shes this fine thing who happens to be attached to her boy for 8 yrs! 8 bloody yrs!! how does one do that? i mean, gettin married and bein married for life is one thing, but to be attached, ATTACHED, for 8 yrs!? damn thats like weird! i was stunned! shouldnt there be a limit to how long u r attached b4 u either fuck up and end it or fuck up and get married? i guess some ppl just have a thing for stayin in one place. and damn my psych exams tomorrow. i havent studied jack shit. this is one screwed up sem. i really have gotta buck up. im payin hard cash for this degree and im doin the oh so common thing of fuckin it up. i mean, i worked so hard to make it this far and actually do my deg and here i am fuckin it up. damn. so typical. id rather be crazy and like stun the world than to be typical. thats so sad. and im really tryin to think up the plans to make my proposed trip to phuket work. hmm i wish ppl would like tell me a yes or a no. maybes the most screwed word around. whats with sayin maybe. i mean, ppl have to wait for ya brain to actually make up its damn shit mind? urgh, ppl and their damn fear to make a decision. no wonder the worlds fucked.

OH OH B4 I FORGET

today at wk some gurl from cleo interviewed me. and the qn was," whats ya most unique sexual experience?" well im not gonna say much, go get the next issue of cleo. it involves a tent! hahahaha. and ya the other person involved has been left speechless by my moment of permanent insanity

Well up till now

well hmmm, hows life been so far? life after army has been a unique experience i guess. i learnt so much during that time its freaky. i mean not only in the typical sense that all army fellas go through. i learnt what it means to be hurt, in every sense of the word. broken heart broken body, broken trust, broken everything.i really really realised that u really r born alone in this shit ass world. ya parents can care, ya frens may care, but in the end only u know what the hell ure goin through. and thats where the problem lies. i mean, no matter what others do or say, in the end what u feel bout yaself and what u feel inside is really all that matters. and some heal fast, some heal slow. some dun allow themselves to heal at all. theres no such thing as u can nvr heal. thats bull and if someone tells u that, bitch slap them. no matter how long it takes, as long u want to heal, u will heal. and u will grow and be stronger. sounds cheesy, but bloody hell i dun give a rats ass! hahahaha.. started wkin now. and jugglin it with my studies. not easy. but life aint easy. gettin to know more ppl these days. and learnin how some ppl cant let go. i mean if things end they end, y go on and do the whole bitchin. its so like, sad. ure makin urself seem like a lesser person. i feel ya pain gurl :) . and well im pretty messed up bout da goddess. seriously messed. cant wait to meet up soon. miss the craziness and the irritation. and yet somehow it feels nice. now thats scary!

um hi i guess

um hi i think.. i dunno, just felt like writin shit on the web. everyon does it so y not someone whos like a full time shit talker. :) i guess ill start writin later on la. now i wanna find nice skins and stuff...... lalalala